Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Hey,

So we all gaze into the mirror, and think..damn you sexy beast. OK not all of us, Some of us think 'god my face looks like it has been run over by a lawnmower'. But whatever you think when you look into the mirror you do have a certain self image of yourself. Not just in terms of looks, but you have a certain self image in terms of personality and characteristics. We define ourselves by the things we do, way we think and the way others percieve us.

The problem is...we have so many emotions, so many thoughts..so many hours,days, months or even years spent overanalysing our every strength and every flaw that we end up with a very skewed image of ourself.. Skewed in terms of what others percieve us as.
You will never have an accurate measure of how good looking you are, you will never have an accurate measure of how funny you are and you will never have an accurate measure of how attractive you are. I find it strange then  that we find it so easy to judge others but the image that is most important to us, the image that we live to improve is the only image that is impossible for us to properly gauge.

Now for the interesting part...because we all recognise this inability to accurately see ourselves, people always look for any sign of anyone judging them and immediately use that information to re-evaluate their own image. When a girl is told her hair looks dry and ugly she immediately obsesses over it, and most of the time re-evaluates her self image and percieves herslef as a little uglier (iv'e seen it happen with the girls around me). The same is true for guys, when they get laughed at or picked on their self image and ego immediately takes a battering. So our self image is not really a product of how good we are or any form of independent judgement, but rather a product of the environemnt we find ourselves in.

The problem is that for most people their environment is the modern urbanised world, and people in the modern urbanised world tend to be jackasses. Around every corner you have another dim witted salesperson trying to convince you that you aren't adequate until you have bought their product, or peer groups which inadvertenly contain the sneering queen bee/alpha male that ridicules all the inferiors around them in a bid to bolster their own severely down-trodden self image. This leaves most people caught in a web of their own insecurities, and having a constantly changing self image but one that almost never fully appreciates a person's true worth. Don't get me wrong, I love the 'gorgeous babe with sparkling eyes that thinks she is a troll and will settle for me' as much as the next guy. But, when good friends begin to second guess themselves I can't help but feel a little concerned.

Now there is no point in talking about a problem without a solution. so here is how i decided to deal with this issue a few years ago. When I was 17 I recognised that i was craving approval from everyone, i would jump over backwards, do a cartwheel and kiss your butt for a warm smile and a pat on the back. And it hit me, the reason I was doing this was not because I liked doing things for others, but because their approval helped me build a better self image and at the time i really had no real concrete self image.

I then went through the reasoning above and realised i never would have a concrete self image if i followed the approval seeking path i was on. So if i am always going to have a skewed potrait of myself, i'll skew it the way i want to. Not allow it to be drawn by the idiots around me. Hence, I built a self image that made me out to be a King, I convinced myself that I am brilliant, funny and an overall sexy beast. And for those of you that know me, you know i still feel this way about myself, and no test, no snide comment and no body can tell me otherwise because I re iterated and strengthened that self image to a point that it became solid. If your ego is going to be misguided, you may as well misguide it yourself to a point of your choosing where you feel good. And by god i feel good... and at the end of the day that is all that really matters.

Now an ego is a dangerous thing and can get out of control, but there is no harm in a little self-inflation. This is going on for too long but i hope my rambling made some sense to you and the next time you look into that mirror... you say 'I wanna fuck you like an animal'... maybe growl a bit and spank your ass...(the last bit is just for my amusement but whatever).

Cheerio

Nikhil

Birthday Blog

Apologies for not blogging for a while, I was preparing for a birthday party/getting a job/having a hissy fit over my uni results. it was my birthday a couple of days ago and I had a party at my house. It was as I described it the culmination and showing off of all my efforts in renovating and making the house sexy over the past year. But more importantly it was alot of fun and a great chilled time with all my friends from different spheres.
I did fall sick from it, I have the immune system of a pregnant granny with AIDS and as I saw a few people sneezing into their hands and reaching over for handshakes and hugs, I kind of said "fuck it, it's my birthday". As I sit in my bed with vitamin C tablets strewn around me and my first day of work in 2 days I think perhaps it would be better to have done what I normally do around sick people; namely hold my breath, give them dirty looks and treat them like lepers.

Here are a few photos from the night (courtesy of Mitchell)

Thanks to everyone that came/gave speeches/helped out.
Blogging will re commence.

Boisterous Beginnings

So the holidays have well and truly kicked off and have been amazingly fun. I have been caught between ashes/backyard cricket sessions, 21sts, trips to Wollongong, late night putt putt golf, lunches with friends and in there somewhere splatterings of basketball/gym. And the rest of December is planned in similarly spectacular fashion.
What particularly resonated with me was the trip to Wollongong with the boys, we spent 5 hours travelling to be there 4 hours. But it was much needed time to chill, we all regressed into our 13 year old sex crazed selves and proceeded to engage in an orgy of immaturity and badly phrased sex puns. The instant clicks, naughty looks, and subtle nods are all that is required to remind each other why we are all still Friends.
Part of why I particularly enjoyed the trip was because I really like my 13 year old self, he is like an old best friend that i only rarely catch glimpses of now because he is busy hi-fiveing his new friends and banging his girlfriend. And though you don't like to admit it... you miss the bastard.
If I could see my 13 year old self today and tell him anything. I wouldn't, despite the collossal mistakes he is about to make and the treacherous times he is about to fumble through, he is one happy bastard and I want him to stay that way. (okay maybe I'd tell him which girls turned out to be easy and how to get some, but thats about it).
One of my goals at the beginning of the holidays was to speak from the gut and develop a closer relationship with my own intuition. But the more i begin to speak from the gut the more i realise that my 13 year old self is living there. There is a certain immaturity and boisterous attitude that comes from there, but by god I'm happy when i do it. I'm happy when i break the shackles of hesitating before i say things for the fear it is not the right thing to say, I'm happy in my own self belief and trust that my opinion is all that matters to me.

If life just comes down to enjoying yourself, this is how I want to live life.

Colouring between the lines

I haven't had the chance to blog for a few days, not because I was doing anything exciting but because I have been landscaping and then fell sick. And as neither sifting through mud or mucus is fun to write about I have ignored this place. I will forewarn you that this entry is not written with the same flippancy as my previous ones.
Today I was thinking about rules and expectations. It sort of started a couple of days ago when i was about to be dropped to the doctor by my Dad, so I stumbled down the stairs in my board shorts that are 4 sizes too big, a thick fleece jacket torn in places, sandals and a beard that Osama would be jealous of. My dad said "go back shave and change, I  don't want to be known as the real estate agent with the ugly son" (he works next door). Ignoring the fact that these comments might manifest in insecurities that could be used to explain my fall from grace in 40 years as I burst out of court in a green leotard smearing poo on walls screaming "I Just WANTED TO BE LOVED", I began to think about how my dad is being pressured into impressing people around him.. and its not just him, everyone dresses well, drives in a bmw, says things that people's ears want to hear as opposed to what their own tongues long to say, and in time they stop pretending to be someone else and actually become the cliched 'good citizen' living the american dream. But fuck that dream, unless it involves naked supermodels, midgets and fire it's not my dream. I should be able walk down to the doctor looking like a poverty stricken Yeti and not be forced to change. Alas, my dad was my only ride while my car keys were lost and I changed.

Saying that, I can't pretend to be the anti-conformist renegade I sound like. After all, I am the smart guy that goes to one of the best law schools in the country and studies like a mutherfucker and is thrilled by the share market. On the face of it, I reek of institution. But I draw a distinction between doing/not doing things simply because people expect it of you and doing/not doing things because they benefit you. I do those things for very selfish reasons, namely my obsession with money and power, my unparalleled determination to control.
I realise that people and society  will always be conforming to norms, it's human nature. Unquestioning acceptance is the oil that lubricates the wheels of a functional society. But other people's ignorance is not a bad thing, just make sure that the words they accept unquestioningly are yours. If they move in herds it simply makes for easier manipulation. If they choose to be sheep, don't be frustrated and scream at them hoping they will metamorphose into brilliant stallions, step up your game to make sure you are the shepherd.

I have been both lucky and cursed to have a mind that works in fragments, every whole is torn down to its components and rebuilt. It means that every idea is worked from first principles, it allows for a unique perspective and allows me to discard all the useless rubbish everyone accepts. It also means I am prone to be bogged down in detail, and can't revel in the bliss that comes with ignorance. I often push the levels of my own comfort, because all the lines i draw for myself (or are drawn for me) are often there to serve me no real purpose. So next time you think "oh i couldn't possibly do that" (or another variation of that if you don't speak like a 70 year old englishwoman)...do it and see where it takes you. Within reason of course, don't think 'I couldn't possibly stab the baby in the eye with a screwdriver' and then heed my advice. But colour outside those lines...I was always a shit artist anyway.

A Day on the Field

Okay,

Well it wasn't really a day on the field. It was a day in my backyard. but i was ploughing soil, raking grass and vacuuming leaves. So they were field like activities. It's that time of the year again. It was about 12 months ago we gained posession of our new house, I spent all of last summer jackhammering tiles, ripping down brick walls and partaking in other demolition activities that I have no safety training for. And here i am twelve months later making the three month transition from law-student to tradie, where no amount of knowledge regarding the intricacies of the doctrine of remotenenss of damage or the powers of the merits review tribunal is going to help me rip out and shovel the collosal mound of dirt in front of me.

I worked about 6 hours today in the sun, blisters began to appear after a couple of hours, I worked through them until they popped. I took a break, then started again until new blisters formed where the old blisters were. I won't make you squeam with the details, but suffice to say that I let escape an audible wince when I tried to turn a handle to open my bedroom door tonight.

I came across some wildlife today. we have two bush turkeys that have decided to inhabit the bush in our land, pecking at anything that resembles food and even things that dont. They seemed to enjoy birdseed, so I took a bag of it and placed indoors leaning against the glass so they could see it but not get it. Hours of tirelessly pecking at glass ensued, fun was had by all.Anyway, bush turkeys what the hell, this is sydney i didn;t even know they grew in the wild, they look to stupid and slow to be an animal that isn't simply cultivated for slaughter. My sister named one 'glug glug', because of the saggy ballsack looking thing that hangs from its neck. I wanted to call him ballsack, but i don't think my suggestions are welcome in a family environment. So I nodded and mumbled my approval about 'glug-glug'. But fuck it, when the turkey and I are alone i'll call him ballsack. It can be our dirty little secret, just between the turkey and I. I just hope turkeys aren't one of those birds that repeat the shit you say. Could lead to some awkward moments when my mum ushers a group of toddlers to marvel at the big birds. Anyway enough with the dirty talking with birds.

A couple of more things i wanted to do these holidays but didn't put in my last post.

- get really good at the guitar, i've played for a couple of years but never learnt the fundamentals, just jumped straight into songs. Probably because chicks don't dig fundamentals, but its something I feel i'm missing there.

- Read widely- I feel the plethora of case law, legislation and textbooks over the past few years has made my language boring, or is in the proccess of making it boring. So to spice it up a bit i'd like to read some good novels, an autobiography and maybe even dapple in some poetry? (no homo).

okay i'm tired. I'll look to post every few days, at the minimum once a week.

and it begins

Good day,

So i read my freind Chris' blog outlining his plans for the summer. And I thought thats a good idea, so here I am.
I must admit straight up that I am a bit weary of blogging, it always seemed to me a tool for the narcissitic, an online shrine to oneself. But in away thats what this is going to be, but hopefully more.

Summer holidays are a time in which i spend alot of time alone (well more than usual), and in my solace often come great revelations. Revelations about myself and the world around me, revelations that are too easily forgotten when i'm thrust back into the venomous web of reality. (as an aside i resent people telling me "wait to you get in the real world", because i have a few shreds of excitement and passion in me that haven't been sucked out by the anal vaccum that is a 9-5 job does not mean my life is any less real). Come, to think of it i'm writing in anticipation of an ephiphany and i'm confident it will come, as strange as it sounds. I will endevour to be as truthful and raw as possible, if not for an accurate depiction of my development over the next few months, then for your entertainment.

SO, things i want to do this summer.

1. Get ridiculously fit. I mean ridiculously. I am going on a 6 day a week gym regime, complemented by basketball twice a week. Why? well apart from my eternal quest for perfection there is a feeling when your fit that is indescribably amazing.  I guess it's a feeling of invincibility and power (themes i wish to explore in the future). Besides, with the importance people put to a sexy body these days, a few stomach crunches and any indiscretion is forgiven. "sure he kicked the baby in the face and ejaculated on the pastor's forehead, but damn check out those chiseled abs".

2. Get a job. not just any shitty job like luna park last year. i want a relevant legal job to work on a couple of days a week. Not so much for the money, but to actually experience the industry I am so determined to excel in.

3. learn about technical analysis (with shares). i want to refine my skills as an investor. If i want to retire with the 500 million i plan on, its going to be through savvy investing and confidence in my skills. Not depriving myself of sleep working extra hours and sucking dick for that promotion.

4. develop a stronger trust in my intuition. i used to be able to feel so much, sense people and know what to say. speakmy mind because i knew whatever it's first reaction was the correct one. no matter how shocking or whatever reaction it elcited. I think over the last three years university has slowly beaten that out of me. Ironically it is meant to be the place for expression and development of ideas, but the pressure by those brilliant people around me has often had me second guessing myself. I don't know why, but the people i let into my mind have become fewer and fewer, trust is scarce and few who know me, know me. I plan to remedy this, expressing myself at every oppurtunity. And if i face rejection or ridicule, well i havent really thought that out yet, but hopefully I trust my intiuition and punch them in the face.

This is already getting long, and i havent told your about my exciting day as yet. i'll leave it for some other time. Man, blogging is so fun and cathartic. Maybe a narccisistic shrine to myself is not such a bad idea after all.