Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Hey,

So we all gaze into the mirror, and think..damn you sexy beast. OK not all of us, Some of us think 'god my face looks like it has been run over by a lawnmower'. But whatever you think when you look into the mirror you do have a certain self image of yourself. Not just in terms of looks, but you have a certain self image in terms of personality and characteristics. We define ourselves by the things we do, way we think and the way others percieve us.

The problem is...we have so many emotions, so many thoughts..so many hours,days, months or even years spent overanalysing our every strength and every flaw that we end up with a very skewed image of ourself.. Skewed in terms of what others percieve us as.
You will never have an accurate measure of how good looking you are, you will never have an accurate measure of how funny you are and you will never have an accurate measure of how attractive you are. I find it strange then  that we find it so easy to judge others but the image that is most important to us, the image that we live to improve is the only image that is impossible for us to properly gauge.

Now for the interesting part...because we all recognise this inability to accurately see ourselves, people always look for any sign of anyone judging them and immediately use that information to re-evaluate their own image. When a girl is told her hair looks dry and ugly she immediately obsesses over it, and most of the time re-evaluates her self image and percieves herslef as a little uglier (iv'e seen it happen with the girls around me). The same is true for guys, when they get laughed at or picked on their self image and ego immediately takes a battering. So our self image is not really a product of how good we are or any form of independent judgement, but rather a product of the environemnt we find ourselves in.

The problem is that for most people their environment is the modern urbanised world, and people in the modern urbanised world tend to be jackasses. Around every corner you have another dim witted salesperson trying to convince you that you aren't adequate until you have bought their product, or peer groups which inadvertenly contain the sneering queen bee/alpha male that ridicules all the inferiors around them in a bid to bolster their own severely down-trodden self image. This leaves most people caught in a web of their own insecurities, and having a constantly changing self image but one that almost never fully appreciates a person's true worth. Don't get me wrong, I love the 'gorgeous babe with sparkling eyes that thinks she is a troll and will settle for me' as much as the next guy. But, when good friends begin to second guess themselves I can't help but feel a little concerned.

Now there is no point in talking about a problem without a solution. so here is how i decided to deal with this issue a few years ago. When I was 17 I recognised that i was craving approval from everyone, i would jump over backwards, do a cartwheel and kiss your butt for a warm smile and a pat on the back. And it hit me, the reason I was doing this was not because I liked doing things for others, but because their approval helped me build a better self image and at the time i really had no real concrete self image.

I then went through the reasoning above and realised i never would have a concrete self image if i followed the approval seeking path i was on. So if i am always going to have a skewed potrait of myself, i'll skew it the way i want to. Not allow it to be drawn by the idiots around me. Hence, I built a self image that made me out to be a King, I convinced myself that I am brilliant, funny and an overall sexy beast. And for those of you that know me, you know i still feel this way about myself, and no test, no snide comment and no body can tell me otherwise because I re iterated and strengthened that self image to a point that it became solid. If your ego is going to be misguided, you may as well misguide it yourself to a point of your choosing where you feel good. And by god i feel good... and at the end of the day that is all that really matters.

Now an ego is a dangerous thing and can get out of control, but there is no harm in a little self-inflation. This is going on for too long but i hope my rambling made some sense to you and the next time you look into that mirror... you say 'I wanna fuck you like an animal'... maybe growl a bit and spank your ass...(the last bit is just for my amusement but whatever).

Cheerio

Nikhil

Birthday Blog

Apologies for not blogging for a while, I was preparing for a birthday party/getting a job/having a hissy fit over my uni results. it was my birthday a couple of days ago and I had a party at my house. It was as I described it the culmination and showing off of all my efforts in renovating and making the house sexy over the past year. But more importantly it was alot of fun and a great chilled time with all my friends from different spheres.
I did fall sick from it, I have the immune system of a pregnant granny with AIDS and as I saw a few people sneezing into their hands and reaching over for handshakes and hugs, I kind of said "fuck it, it's my birthday". As I sit in my bed with vitamin C tablets strewn around me and my first day of work in 2 days I think perhaps it would be better to have done what I normally do around sick people; namely hold my breath, give them dirty looks and treat them like lepers.

Here are a few photos from the night (courtesy of Mitchell)

Thanks to everyone that came/gave speeches/helped out.
Blogging will re commence.